It's the day before I leave, and although the light in my room indicates that the day has begun I try to squeeze my eyes shut, hoping I can linger in the peaceful moments of sleep just a little longer. Yet, the gears have already started turning and my mind is quickly full of worrying thoughts - did I over pack? under pack? did I forget something? I run over checklists, goals, and regrets in my mind. I think that today, as a last, deserves some kind of special recognition. Mainly it will be full of trying to say goodbye to all the people who deserve goodbyes. I try to compose their meetings in my mind. Some will cry, others will embrace me, and some will mask their farewell in a parting gift of wisdom.
Suddenly, I find myself annoyed at the whole thing. Perhaps I hate goodbyes or think it's unfair that time and space can come between friends and loved ones. The words good and bye don't seem to embody what I feel for the person I am waving to. What about, 'You are wonderful as you are' or 'I know you will always be a part of my life' or 'You are important to me.' Just maybe it's that moment of parting I do not like. Have you ever noticed it? You have been talking as always, but then the time for leaving approaches. As you both realize it, a certain twinge sparks in my belly. I feel responsible for the meaningfulness of the moment. I want it to be memorable, but I don't want to become upset. After some words are spoken we start creating space between us. There! This is the moment I hate. It crashes in on me and I ask, when will I see this person again? A huge change is occurring and now I am forced to see it. I hold my barrings as the world I know cracks and falls. My ground disappears and I cling to the last bit of my world. Then, I fall. Hurling through the unknown, like Dorothy and Toto in the twister, I am brought to a new world. The lolipop gang won't be meeting me, but perhaps some heavily armed Israelis will. Yipee!
I have always enjoyed the saying that 'endings are usually sad, beginnings are scary, but it is the middle what counts.' This is what I am feeling, I believe. The more I partake in any type of ending here I also instigate more beginning. Sadness and fear, that sounds about right.
Finally, on the last day there is feeling of hope. Hope that the journey will be safe, fun, and worthwhile. Hope that in a new place you can become a little bit better than you were before, maybe obtain a goal or solidify an old one. Hope that you will have great joy, stories, and friends. Hope to continue to express your caring for those at home. Hope that your future during and after the trip will be bright. Finally, hope that all the troubles burdening to you at home will be lifted from your shoulders and that by some grace of yoda will be resolved without you (this last one is just for myself and my fellow control freaks).
Ah ha! The twinge in my belly subdues as I imagine that this journey will afford me the opportunity to love myself just a little bit more. And that is worth any distance.
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